Chapter 5

The tutor at the cram school corrected a simple impression essay that Yuta had written.

“It’s important to think about what you felt. Based on that, if you dig deeper into what the theme of this novel is, your understanding will deepen even more.”

The tutor introduced Yuta not only to Naoya Shiga but also to other short story collections by writers like Ryunosuke Akutagawa one after another.

Not only reading novels but also reflecting on them awakened new sensations within Yuta’s inner self. He felt his vocabulary naturally expanding and words slowly becoming his own. It was his first attempt to seek meaning in the days that had previously just passed by as if breathing.

Akutagawa’s short story “The Nose” was included in the Japanese language textbook.

Yuta wrote an impression essay based on it and submitted it to his tutor.

“I felt that even though Zenchi Naigu was laughed at for having a long nose, and then when it became short he thought he wouldn’t be laughed at anymore, this time people laughed at the fact that he cared about his nose.”

“That’s right. That interpretation fits the psychological portrayal in the story.”

“But I don’t really feel it myself. Is it really something to laugh so much about?”

“What this change shows is that people’s gazes are inconsistent. It’s not laughter with holding their bellies; it’s a kind of whispering, secret laughter behind one’s back.”

“Inconsistent gazes… you mean they aren’t the same?”

“The surrounding ridicule doesn’t always match the person’s suffering. This part depicts the subtle twist in human psychology. When Zenchi Naigu’s nose was long, it was the ‘object of laughter.’ But when it became short, this time it was the ‘fact that he cared about his nose’ that became the target of ridicule.”

The tutor paused for a moment and then continued slowly.

“In other words, humans tease others’ changes for different reasons each time. This cold-hearted mechanism of society is depicted in this work.”

“So they’re always looking for something to laugh at?”

“Yes. It’s what you could call the ‘bystander’s selfishness.’ People seem to sympathize with others’ misfortunes at first, but the moment those misfortunes are resolved, they feel some kind of dissatisfaction. And unconsciously, they try to drag that person back into unhappiness. That’s the psychology at work.”

“Bystander’s selfishness? Hmm, that sounds difficult. What does it mean?”

“Simply put, it’s the mental movement of conveniently interpreting and exploiting the events of others who are not directly related to oneself.”

The tutor looked steadily into Yuta’s eyes.

“Yuta, have you ever teased someone about their appearance or faults?”

“I think I have.”

“For example, if that person was fat, you teased them for it. But then if that person became thin, you tease them again, saying ‘Oh, you cared about it.’”

Yuta didn’t fully understand those words. But something stuck deep in his chest.

At that time, in the classroom, a girl was being teased by everyone. No one stopped it. He was there too, laughing along.

“Bystanders change their way of enjoying things according to the changes in the other person. Whether Zenchi Naigu’s nose was long or short, they see him as a target to laugh at. That’s all. They don’t look at the other’s suffering; they consume the world only from their own perspective. That’s the bystander’s selfishness.”

“For example, when a girl who was called ugly got plastic surgery and became beautiful, the men around her realized they wouldn’t be noticed anymore and started talking badly about her. Is this what you mean?”

“Yes, that structure is very similar to the bystander psychology in ‘The Nose.’”

“They laughed when she was ugly, but when she became beautiful, they laughed at the fact she cared about it. Something like that?”

“Exactly. That is exactly the structure depicted in ‘The Nose.’ People laugh at both the ugly and the beautiful. It’s the same with Zenchi Naigu’s nose. Whether it’s long or short, it’s made to be laughable.”

In the end, people’s gazes replaced their “material for laughter” according to their convenience, regardless of the other person’s feelings.

It was not a feeling of joy for change. Rather, it was a strange discomfort toward “the disappearance of the other’s suffering.”

Human relationships barely kept balance by someone remaining “unhappy.” But when that unhappiness was removed, the balance was broken at that moment, and the shadow called jealousy sneaked into people’s hearts.

Eventually, they would hear this:

“Getting full of yourself.”

Both Zenchi Naigu and the girl who had plastic surgery “were protected by laughter if they hadn’t changed.” But because they changed, they became new targets of attack.

“Did you notice why the people who laughed at the long nose continued laughing after it became short?”

“Because the change was ridiculous?”

“No. They were angry that ‘he changed.’”

“Angry…?”

“Yes. He had an ‘abnormality’ called a long nose that was convenient for them. That’s why they could laugh. They were relieved because someone was inferior to them. But the moment he got the same face as them, suddenly he became ‘equal.’”

“That was unacceptable…?”

The tutor put his elbow on the desk and smiled a little tiredly.

“Humans confirm that they belong to the ‘majority’ by laughing at the ‘minority.’ That laughter is not just entertainment. It is the majority’s reaffirmation of their own happiness.”

Yuta gasped.

“In the society you will live in, there are plenty of such structures. People use others’ failures as ‘material,’ turn someone’s suffering into ‘laughter,’ and by doing so reassure themselves, ‘I’m still okay.’ While wearing the mask that the laughing people are not the perpetrators, they skillfully suppress someone.”

“…That’s terrible.”

“But that’s society. That’s why if you write literature, you must first have the eye to see through that hypocrisy.”

Meeting the cram school instructor was something that gave meaning and life to all of Yuta’s life up to that point. Assigning such meaning to each and every thing was a fresh surprise for Yuta. It was truly an event that changed his world.

He could no longer help but feel that society was filled with hypocrisy.

The visible society in this world seemed to be a deception, and behind it, there appeared to be the real world. Humans seemed to be made to delight only in misfortune, showing no real interest in the happiness of others. When confronted with others' happiness, all that arose was envy or jealousy.

Even those who had become happy felt only a sense of superiority toward others.

People compare happiness. If others are unhappy, they feel relieved; if others seem happy, they feel envy. Therefore, they hide their true feelings and pretend to celebrate.

The essence of humanity was covered by a mask of whipped cream heavily sweetened with sugar. If the essence were exposed, society would not function well.

In order to smooth communication between neighbors and within society, it was necessary to wear the mask of hypocrisy, even if one disliked the other person.

Every time Yuta interacted with others, he started to search for their hypocrisy. Naturally, he spoke fewer words. His family and those around him dismissed it as typical adolescent behavior. Yuta felt that he alone possessed the correct perspective.

When he advanced to the second year, a faint mustache-like shadow appeared on Yuta’s face. By the time that mustache grew thicker, he entered high school.

Having graduated middle school at the top of his class, Yuta began commuting from a boarding house with meals included to a prestigious high school in the prefectural capital. That boarding house was introduced to him by an acquaintance of his father, who was well connected.

This high school had a considerable number of students like Yuta from all over the prefecture. They all boarded near the school because the high school had no dormitory.

An overwhelming number of gifted students attended this high school — practically all of them. Among them, Yuta himself was swept away by the wave of geniuses as if drowning in the sea.

From the second-floor window of his boarding house, Yuta sometimes glimpsed, in the distance, the sea of his birthplace that shouldn’t have been visible. At such times, he felt himself caught in a wave of nostalgia.

He did not feel a particularly strong longing for his father or mother.

At the same time, he did not dislike them either. He thought such feelings were permitted because they were family. Yuta realized he had reached an age where he could understand them. It also meant that the physiological disgust he once felt had disappeared.

In the first tests of high school, Yuta ranked among the top.

That ranking ignited his passion for studying. It became a secret pleasure to see how far he could improve his rank with effort.

Yuta was not the type to talk casually with his classmates. He disliked frivolous and superficial people by nature, and had built a firm wall coated with deep thought and silence. When forced to speak with classmates, he recalled the image of that cram school instructor. He wondered what tone or explanations the instructor would use. Naturally, he also spoke little to them.

One rainy day, the classroom windows were covered with tiny droplets like frost.

Students who entered began drawing on the windows with their fingers.

A female student drew an umbrella shared by two people and wrote the initials of a boy she liked, excitedly asking, “Who is this?”

When the homeroom teacher entered the classroom and saw the drawings on the windows, he scolded the students, saying, “Don’t do such pointless graffiti.” The teacher then walked briskly to a window that had no drawings yet and wrote “Boys & girls, be ambitious.”

The teacher was neither an English teacher nor fluent in English, but Yuta found this gesture stylish.

It wasn’t that Yuta was unfamiliar with fashion.

Wearing damaged jeans and a hoodie, he often immersed himself in nostalgia, quietly humming “A Song to Yearn for Someone.” It was like a prayer delivered to someone.

His habit of tilting his head and twisting the corners of his mouth had gradually seeped into him. Yet, deep in his chest, he sometimes felt the presence of someone.

Though his true self observed calmly, there was no doubt he was also posing.

He sometimes went to the library, but gradually stopped because he couldn’t get used to the difference in usage style. He did not fit well with the sophisticated urban library system.

The book he borrowed from the library, Crime and Punishment, was the problem.

Although he tried several times, he stumbled over the long letter at the beginning. He simply couldn’t get into the story. He noticed himself thinking about other things while reading. Eventually, he returned the book to the library and cut ties with it ever since.

Perhaps the rapid change of environment was the cause, but Yuta came down with a fever.

He thought it was just a cold and tried to cure it with over-the-counter medicine, but it worsened, and he ended up bedridden for many days.

His mother rushed over, took him to the hospital, and he was admitted immediately.

The doctor gave his mother the diagnosis of acute lymphoblastic leukemia (ALL).